What is the mental load a mother (or main caregiver) carries around and how can you reduce yours?

Do you ever feel like your home would fall apart without you holding it all together?

I have good days and bad days with my toddler, but even on the loveliest of days, I couldn't pinpoint why I was always feeling stressed.

I’ve been slowly working towards a minimalist lifestyle for years to make my home more low-maintenance.

At the same time, I’ve worked hard to create an eco-conscious lifestyle to allow me to live with intent.

So why was I feeling mentally drained and exhausted?

I couldn’t help but wonder:

Did I just suck at being a mum?

Should I be doing more in the evening?

Why is everything so hard?

The answer to these questions was right there in my brain, jumbled up with 10,000 other thoughts. It's the reason sustainable living is so challenging for many women.

We are not bad mothers, we are just carrying around a heavy “mental load.”

In this post, I'm going to explain what the mental load is, and 10 ways to reduce yours.

What is the mental load of motherhood?

It's remembering.

Organising.

Multi-tasking.

Planning.

Preventing.

Refilling.

Compartmentalising.

Budgeting.

Fixing.

Reminding.

As helpful as a partner is (and mine helps as much as he can), a lot of the “home-making” goes on inside your mind.

It's the invisible chores, the household “management,” that can start to wear you down.

Taking care of a child is a full-time job. You could even argue it's more than that because you are on-call around the clock.

At times there is only so much a dad can do. For example, a breastfeeding mum may have to do all the night shifts... but she still has to get up early and look after an energetic toddler, go to work, or hold the baby all day long.

Regardless of how you feed your baby, your employment status, and how much your partner helps with the housework... the invisible mental load can be overwhelming.

And if you’re a single parent, well, you are a superhero.

Luckily some techniques can help you cope with the mental load and I’m going to share them with you today.

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10 tips for reducing your mental load as a mother

1. Talk to your partner

You have to tell them how you feel because the chances are they don't know. Communicate gently with them. Bring it up at an appropriate time and don't let it be an argument because the chances are they are exhausted too.

Don't criticise them, tell them how they can help you.

Don't be like me – let it bottle up, drink too much wine, and cry all over your partner about it (yep... guilty of that).

2. Delegate the load

Be sure you pass some of the mental work to your partner but be conscious that they may have a different way of doing it. Which is fine - as long as the job gets done.

However, if you’re anything like me, you may have to practice being patient and lowering your standards a little.

It’s also important not to give in if a job doesn’t get done - don’t do it. It won’t hurt them to experience the natural consequences (assuming it’s not anything urgent, obviously).

If they said they’ll help with the laundry but don’t, don’t nag them, simply let them run out of underwear.

The most important thing is, you do less.

3. Declutter your home

I know I say this a lot but, honestly, decluttering your home will make your house much easier to tidy, clean and manage in general.

You end up with an abundance of stuff when you have children, yet this mostly just adds chaos to your life.

Simplicity is the key to a happier, easier life. Minimalism doesn't mean you have to give away ALL your stuff. It's simply letting go of the possessions that you are never going to use so everything in your home has value.

What’s also important here is to stop accumulating it in the first place. For more on this, check out my guide on low-waste parenting.

4. Write a to-do list

I have a big to-do list that everyone can see it. I will write down everything that needs to be done (on the back of an old letter or whatever) and stick it to the wall or door at head height so that my partner can see it too.

Being able to see the mental load makes it less in your mind and means other people in the home can help out.

Don’t try and actually do that whole list though - it will never happen.

Instead, pick 2 or 3 tasks each day. Prioritise and do the thing you don’t wanna do first.

If your partner is proactive, they may even make your day and do jobs without you asking them to (one can hope).

5. Make time for self-care

Such a tough thing to do as a mama, especially in a rough phase - but so so important.

It’s okay to not be the perfect mum because you’re taking 10 minutes for yourself. If you don’t look after yourself, then who will? Chances are, if you make a few changes and become happier for it, your child will sense it and be happier too.

Maybe you get up earlier so you can put makeup on, have a solitary shower, or sit down and have a cup of tea in silence.

Maybe you read a book, have a nap, or do an exercise video while your child is napping instead of putting away laundry and cleaning the bathroom.

Sometimes self-care has to be making sure your basic needs are met. This might mean, going to bed earlier, or letting your house get messy so you can prioritise a nutritious meal for yourself every day.

Do what works for you, but try to find some time every day to do something to make you feel good. You deserve it!

6. Planning meals and laundry

There’s nothing worse than trying to cook dinner for a hangry toddler having a meltdown.

If I haven’t planned meals for the week, I start getting anxious now because I need to find brainpower from somewhere. I crave simplicity.

Create a laundry system that works for you so that you don’t permanently seem to have 4 piles of washing that need putting away.

Having a meal and laundry system is a great way to reduce your mental load.

I have ADHD, so often fail miserably at planning. Having food batched-cooked in the freezer, like hidden veggie tomato sauce for the kids that I can add to pasta, quesadilla, or pizza, is a real lifesaver.

I also struggle with routines, so I worked out the best time of day (for me) to get boring tasks done in the morning. I put on a wash and put the dry laundry away as fast as possible before 9am! I then ask my partner to hang it out later so it dries overnight (with a dehumidifier)

Whether you’re an organisation queen or an ADHD mess like me, the important thing is you work out what system works best for you.

7. Don't let family walk all over you

I know not everyone has a helpful partner, and if that's the case it might be time to put your foot down. If you've tried asking and delegating but you're still managing absolutely everything, then stop.

Let the house become messy. Let the laundry pile up. You aren't a maid and your partner is perfectly capable of washing their own plate.

Sometimes people will ignore responsibilities because they know you will get fed up and do it.

This also includes family members that aren’t in your household. If you’re expected to organise or show up to lots of events and it’s stressing you out, maybe it’s time to slow down and do less. It’s okay to say no!

I hope it goes without saying that this advice doesn’t apply if you have a partner who is disabled or chronically ill. That changes the situation completely.

8. Hire a cleaner

If housework is a big cause of your mental load, it might be worth thinking about getting a cleaner. It doesn't have to be a regular thing. Maybe you get a deep clean every couple of months, or two hours every fortnight.

It obviously depends on your budget, but if hiring someone to clean your home for a couple of hours on a Friday allows you to enjoy the weekend more then it is worth the money.

There is no shame in needing help. Women (and main caregivers) are expected to do so much in modern society and there just isn’t enough time.

9. Get your kids involved in the housework

Kids love being helpful... (I’m not sure about teenagers… I’m going by memory on this one - sorry mum). But if you make them responsible from an early age, making it a normal part of life, not a “chore,” then they could grow up seeing housework in a different light.

I let my children choose the jobs they help with. My daughter loves helping with the cooking, something I encourage because I don’t want her to struggle with it like me.

My son much prefers the hoover, though he needs to wear ear defenders.

Both kids are happy to use spray cleaners (obviously have to be mindful of what is in them, I use natural homemade cleaners at home so it’s easier to be careful).

And it always surprises me how often they will help hang laundry.

Of course, they go through phases where they are anxious or don’t want to help with anything.

I don’t force it when this is the case, because power struggles never make anything better.

Again, the advice is going to differ if your children have SEND needs or are neurodivergent. I’d trust your instincts on this one.

10. Avoid gender stereotypes around your children

Part of the reason that mothers have this mental load issue is because of traditional gender stereotypes.

Although life has changed significantly for women, the community has fizzled out. Most people don’t have family around to help them - most of us don’t even own our own homes.

Many women have no choice but to work full-time when they want to stay home with their babies. With all the extra stress and lack of support, the mental load feels stronger than ever.

The mental load still means mothers are feeling burnt out.

I watched my mum do 100% of the cooking and the housework, whilst working more hours than my stepdad who sat around reading and gardening all afternoon. I never understood it, but they were very old-fashioned and my mum likes to stay busy so it worked.

But if I was born a boy, I might have grown up expecting my wife to do everything too, y’know?

Are you struggling with the mental load? What area are you finding the most difficult?